confessions of a pagan nun: review

the virtual book club read “confessions of a pagan nun” for march.  i recommend it.

i thought she was a beautiful character. i thought the author did a wonderful job of showing how Gwynn’s faith evolved. her basic beliefs didn’t change. she tried finding balance in the religion that was forced on her and the one she truly believed in. she tried finding balance. she embodied polar opposites… with her religion, with her fierce need for independence and her desperate need to belong.

yes, it was a dark story, and it ended sad, but she was a beautiful character, someone i could relate to.

we’re all trying to find balance within ourselves, with our friendships, relationships, families.

“receiving kindness is the only comfort for suffering. Giving kindness is the only method of forgetting suffering. The creed is of no concern, and the act may be so simple as to seem insignificant, such as the kindness of the sun drying my leggings, or of a hand offering cheese, or of a voice saying, ‘i will stay with you.’”

we are constantly evolving according to our decisions and challenges that the universe throws at us.  aren’t we all in a constant state of innocence?  walking the lines between responsibilities and relationships and selves?

“what if instead of original sin there is original grace?”
“do not be ignorant on any matters of which knowledge is available.  do not be afraid of the truth.”
“and what message would i have wanted from the stars that night when i wandered motherless for the first time in my life?”
on seeing Giannon the first time “i felt that he had at once, perhaps as recently as this morning, been a tree.”
“power does not willingly give up its place to truth.”
“i am old today.  and i am just born.  i am a bird, or a fox, or a bowl, or a knife.”
“for a man to recognize and reward integrity, he must first have it himself.”

and my favorite:
“use words to please, to instruct, to soothe.”

where’s my camera

i can’t find it, so i’ll draw you a picture of my new shirt. holy crap, this is disturbing. i have a neck. and the shirt isn’t the size of rhode island. and i have arms.

where the eff bomb is my camera?

i think that’s a mouth. or it could be a duckbill. maybe it’s my chin? i don’t know why just the G is capitalized, but it is the COOLEST effing shirt EVER.
and just to show you what a wonderful bitmap image artist i really am, here is another one of my creations. drawn after i did not have my camera with me.

i am clearly skateboarding down mission beach boardwalk. which i did do. without my camera.if you want your own bloGwhore shirt, check them out here.

dear wednesday

you turned out pretty good.  it was touch and go there this morning (like always), but i  made it on time to my dr.’s appointment, fell in love with my doctor (she is perfect), and got some handy dandy advice about… stuff.  ps–that thing with the light and the jaws that go click click click… i will never get used to that.  you’re sticking that there and you’re going to make it click?  and then you’re … well …

a few patient satisfaction scores and a few happily satisfied patient letters were quite nifty, thank you, wednesday.  oh, and the fact that it was only a three butterfly day made it quite alright indeed.

i’m even making it to the james tonight.  with my trusty dusty work wife, who i haven’t seen in ages.  i told her i look entirely different and i’ve turned purple.

ps–i almost said yes when the physician’s assistant asked me “you’re a daily analyst?”

dear sqeaky

dear neighbor with the squeaky screen door:

i realize you are awake before the birds. i know the sun isn’t up when you leave your house. i know this because every time you open your screen door at o’dark thirty, i wake up. and it is still dark outside. and i’m pretty sure i’ve only had about two hours of sleep.  and i wonder how it is that you wake up so early?

i also realize you smoke a lot. i know this because of the hacking and coughing and horrible sounds that come out of you while standing outside of your front door. i also understand why you wouldn’t want to do this kind of coughing inside your own house.

but please, dear neighbor with the squeaky screen door who wakes up before god and everyone… my bedroom window is right in front of your front door. every time your screen door EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKS open and EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKS closed then BANG…well, i wake up like that time i swore someone was crawling on my roof the middle of the night. and i know that the sun is not out and that if you had cows, you would be milking them right then and there.

dear WD40:
i love you.

dear mikkimoto:
thank you for doing what i only threatened to do. thank you for applying WD40 to the screen door in broad daylight. i haven’t felt like such a badass since wendy and i washed a neighbor’s muddy car at 2am.

dear neighbor:
stop smoking.  and cough inside your house.

dear home depot:
i’ll be visiting you soon to see what kind of technology i can stealthily install on a screen door…so it whispers closed.

love,
yolanda

the first omnisexual bar in the universe

i saw the sign, the banner. i saw it on my way to the dentist.

“COMING SOON! THE FIRST OMNISEXUAL BAR IN THE UNIVERSE!”

well, that was pretty presumptuous if i do say so myself. i mean.. the universe?

i walked into the dds office. checked in. read some details, sat in the chair (i’m giving you the cliff’s notes version. inside i was dying).

but assume that i am a cool customer at the dentist’s office.

dds goes off to check whatever it is that they check when they leave you alone for 17 minutes.

from my perch in the dentist’s office (in my perfect comfy chair, with my perfect flat screen tv and my happy remote control), i had a clear view of hillcrest…. of the ace hardware store, of the healthy back store, and a clear view of the “FIRST OMNISEXUAL BAR IN THE UNIVERSE”.

and then i started thinking. day dreaming. like, wishing i was NOT in the dentist’s chair getting drilled. and i thought…. what if some alien life form in its alien life form self in its alien life form flying saucer flew through hillcrest and took offense? assuming that this alien life form (aside from being able to travel who knows how many light years to get to hillcrest in the first place) was able to get to earth and read english. what would they think? what if they had truly been the first “OMNISEXUAL BAR IN THE UNIVERSE”? would this set off a chain reaction of Universal Bar Wars?

and so now we’re stuck in the middle of some war some war that we didn’t even think of when we decided that we would claim “THE FIRST OMNISEXUAL BAR IN THE UNIVERSE”?

all of this i thought to myself while sitting in the dentist chair. lead bib over my chest. plastic napkin laying on top. freaking out to myself. all alone, with the lead bib and my perfect beautiful view.

a few days later, English asked me if i’d heard of the new bar in hillcrest. i replied “you mean the first OMNISEXUAL BAR IN THE UNIVERSE?” she looked at me, shocked. how did you know?

then i had to tell her how i knew.

and the first words out of her mouth were “was this before or after they gave you the drugs?”

“before. why?”

earth hour, 2008–TODAY!

look! google turned off their lights! you should, too. wow! good job, google!

Earth Hour is TODAY at 8pm local time. It all started in Sydney, Australia last year. This year they’re expecting many more cities to join them. There will be Chicago, Tel Aviv, Manila, Copenhagen, Melbourne, Brisbane and Toronto all turning off their lights for an hour in the name of fighting global warming. Some cities are having organized events during this hour. By candlelight, of course.

Sydney, the birthplace of Earth Hour, captured the imagination of the world in 2007, when its iconic harbor purposefully plunged into darkness. A year later, more than 24 cities across the globe have followed in Sydney’s footsteps taking a stand against climate change by joining the campaign. Check out the other buildings and landmarks that are “going dark”.

Sign up for Earth Hour (or just turn off your lights for one hour tonight) by visiting http://www.earthhour.org/sign-up and join the movement.

Ten Things To Do During Earth Hour

1. Gather family & friends for a night picnic
2. Dine in one of the many Earth Hour participating restaurants by candlelight
3. Organize a family night playing board games
4. Throw an Earth Hour street party with your neighbors
5. Arrange a house party lit by torches
6. Take the dog for a night walk
7. Hand write a letter to loved one by lantern
8. Sit in the dark and share stories
9. Read a book using a book light
10. Share a romantic night in with your loved one

dear god

dear god:

i know we don’t talk much. i don’t ask you for anything. but… i’m breaking my silence today to ask you a question.

are you sure eve didn’t tempt adam with pizza and a beer?

don’t take this the wrong way or anything. i like apples okay. but if someone were to offer me an apple right now, i’d pass it up no problem. if someone were to offer me a slice of pizza and a beer? hand it over. i can sit in a room with a barrel full of apples. get me anywhere near a pizza with that gooey cheese and sauce? banished from eden indeed.

so maybe i could understand the whole thing a little bit better if adam had bitten into a succulent slice of gaetano’s best. but an apple? and don’t even get me started on jack in the box eggrolls.

an apple?

thanks for listening.
yolanda

my boys

i don’t know how many of you have nephews, but mine are the most adorable in all the land. well, they USED to be adorable. now they’re like… cool. adorable is only allowed in private. and we are not allowed to pinch their cheeks in public.

so they’re adorable. and so much fun. they are effing perfect. they are so cool.

and i get to hang out with them whenever i want. i get to push them in the pool and tease them for having girlfriends and ruffle their hair and tell them i love them. i get to pinch their cheeks and compare heights. i get to beat them at video games (ALL the TIME!) and kiss them. i get to feed them junk food. i get to be that auntie in the crowd taking pictures of their christmas sing-a-longs.

i don’t know what the official stance is on going to with underage kids. i’ve seen plenty of underage kids at that place. so… we’ve taken Oldest One to hooters quite a few times. Youngest One (for whatever scheduling reasons) had never been with us to .

until a few weekends ago.

Nice Auntie (i’m Cool Auntie–their words not mine) picked both of them up and i met them at hooters. Youngest One was acting funny. his usual wit and banter wasn’t there. he looked at the ground a lot and was generally kind of sheepish. Oldest One explained “this is his first time!”

i responded to this by putting my arm around his shoulder, bringing him close for a short conversation, and told him “Youngest One… just try not to stare.” he nodded. wise and knowing.

i know, i know…. we’re taking them to and asking them not to look at all that is golden at this age (14 and 12, mind you). i didn’t say not to look. i basically told him not to get caught staring.

they both did me proud. the two of them together is the coolest thing. they speak their own language. they laugh at their own inside jokes. hysterically. Youngest One switched their soda cups while Oldest One was in the bathroom. he looked at us sternly and said “shhhh.” Oldest One came back and started to drink what was in front of him. Youngest One started laughing hysterically. Oldest One shook his head and switched the glasses back. apparently this happens all the time.

just a few minutes ago they were playing some car game (NOT grand theft auto… we have scruples). Oldest One was playing, Youngest One was watching. i was in the kitchen dinking with something or other. out of the corner of my ear (yes, ears have corners), i heard Youngest One say to Oldest One “what have i told you about picking up prostitutes?” and the first thing out of my mouth was “to do it all the time. WAIT! NO! DON’T… hey, you don’t know that word!”

they finish each other’s sentences. they argue. they laugh. they share, they fight. they’re witty and sarcastic and smart and so grown up. i’m reminded of how tiny they were when they were born. how small and cute and sweet and fresh smelling. i used to clip their fingernails when they slept. their little heads fit into the palm of my hand.

so tiny.

i got to spoil them with bikes and tents and soccer goals. and now they’re on their way to being young adults. and i get to help them. i get to hug them and tell them wise things. i get to laugh with them. i get to be the one that they come to when they want to talk or just hang out.

tres cool, n’est pas?

my boys. i love you.

the carrot on the stick

waving in front of my face so i keep running
(what is motivation for 2000, alex?)

ladies, i have found our running shirt. we just have to make them ourselves. as in cafepress.com.

i saw “so i can eat more chocolate cake” on the back of a shirt at the gym today. i assumed the front posed the question “why do i run?” and i was all YESSS…. RUN FOR CAKE. GENIUS! so i googled it and couldn’t find anything. SO, i made my own. then when i googled “cake images”, i got “the other white meat”.

we are SO on it.

oh, and ps– my left foot didn’t go numb today. AT ALL. not even a tingle. mamma wanted new shoes, but this will have to do.

a little game i like to play called

you know what sounds good right now?

a scoop of chocolate malted krunch ice cream.  on a cone.

and then an afternoon laying about poolside reading books.