dear sqeaky

dear neighbor with the squeaky screen door:

i realize you are awake before the birds. i know the sun isn’t up when you leave your house. i know this because every time you open your screen door at o’dark thirty, i wake up. and it is still dark outside. and i’m pretty sure i’ve only had about two hours of sleep.  and i wonder how it is that you wake up so early?

i also realize you smoke a lot. i know this because of the hacking and coughing and horrible sounds that come out of you while standing outside of your front door. i also understand why you wouldn’t want to do this kind of coughing inside your own house.

but please, dear neighbor with the squeaky screen door who wakes up before god and everyone… my bedroom window is right in front of your front door. every time your screen door EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKS open and EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKS closed then BANG…well, i wake up like that time i swore someone was crawling on my roof the middle of the night. and i know that the sun is not out and that if you had cows, you would be milking them right then and there.

dear WD40:
i love you.

dear mikkimoto:
thank you for doing what i only threatened to do. thank you for applying WD40 to the screen door in broad daylight. i haven’t felt like such a badass since wendy and i washed a neighbor’s muddy car at 2am.

dear neighbor:
stop smoking.  and cough inside your house.

dear home depot:
i’ll be visiting you soon to see what kind of technology i can stealthily install on a screen door…so it whispers closed.

love,
yolanda

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